Downtime

Fujitsu have launched a personal laptop specifically designed for womankind.

Because of course every woman NEEDS a laptop sporting soft pastel colours, a pearl for an on/off button, diamantés as well as horoscope applications.

Well, the ladies in the Computer Weekly office don't actually know how they've lived and worked until now. Not to mention that the name "Floral Kiss" makes our low-calorie lunch of salad and water come back to say hello.

Available in feminine pink, elegant white and luxury brown.

It's been a big week for Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, what with the launch of Windows 8 and all that.

It's certainly been a better week than he's had lately, what with Forbes magazine calling him the most disastrous CEO in the US, and Vanity Fair saying he has been responsible for Microsoft's "lost decade".

But Downtime can exclusively reveal the real reason for Microsoft's leadership problem. Take a look at the photos below, taken at the Windows 8 launch, and it tells you everything you need to know:

A recent BBC feature on passive-aggressive wi-fi network names prompted many of its readers to share stories behind their imaginative and witty network names.

One reader said his wi-fi network name has been set to "One Direction Are Rubbish" to annoy his daughter who loves the boy band while another called hers "PoliceSurveillanceVan" to wind up students living next door.

But witticism isn't restricted to just wifi-names. Downtime spent a long time on Twitter to come across accounts such as @beiberinmypants or @GayObama boasting tens of thousands of followers or even @BadBorisJohnson. Oh and you don't want to know the names and description of the fake Ryan Giggs Twitter account.

Thankfully Downtime's office is surrounded by the city chic, so it doesn't see the need to ward off wi-fi intruders with passive-aggressive names but IT does annoy Downtime sometimes, well most times. So we are thinking of call our wi-fi network "Screw you IT" or "FU IT".

Ever thought about baking your mobile phone into a cake? No? How about using the torch on your iPhone to examine a cow's backside? Still no? Okay, we deem to sensible enough to own a mobile phone.

MobileInsurance.co.uk has released a list of the weirdest claims they have ever had for losing handsets, which Downtime also read as a list of idiots who should not be trusted to have one.

Along with the vet losing his phone in a cow's bottom and the mother baking her daughter's phone into her birthday cake, there was a pyro-technician who left his phone in the blast zone, a man who dropped his out of a tree whilst trying to film a Blur gig and a dog walker who claims the phone was stolen by a bird.

The pyro guy and Blur fan were the only ones on the list of stupidity who didn't get a payout on their claim.

We know mobile insurance is often a farce but really, don't give these people new smartphones until they learn to look after them. 

The Internet Watch Foundation has really been scraping the barrel for press coverage this week so who are we at Downtime to ignore their plea?

The online safety specialists have warned the youth of today that posting pornographic images online could lead to the pictures being stolen and posted on porn websites.

Apparently 88% of "self-generated, sexually explicit online images and videos of young people" end up being taken from their original location and uploaded onto other websites.

That's right youngsters, don't worry about taking naked photos of yourself and plastering them across Facebook or Twitter. This is something we accept. Just remember you could be losing royalties when they start being posted onto actual porn sites that make money from your exposure!

Ok, the IWF didn't put it quite in those terms but seriously, a study warning people who post naked photos of themselves online that people might see them? Seems like saying if you go to the supermarket in your pyjamas, people might stare.

Yes people are going to look at naked photos or the nutter in the supermarket in her nightwear, but neither would take such actions if they cared about people watching.  Maybe concern yourselves with young people posting these pictures in the first place...

Many a lunch hour in the 1980's was spent crowded around the Atari game console while a digital Daley Thompson powered through 10 events using the wrist power and timing of the gamers of the day.

Well Daley's Thompson's Decathlon is back. A new Android and IOS version is available for smartphone and tablet users.

Apple will have to sort out the problem of iPhones not being waterproof. As I remember competing in the 110m hurdles on the game generated more sweat than doing the real thing.

Mind you I am trying to picture how the game, which left competitors aching and requiring towelling down, could be played with a touch screen.

As power politics takes a back seat these days there seems to be a lot of unused spy equipment lying around.

So SpyGadgets4U is flogging them as a way for happy families to capture those happy moments in life. You know by having a secret camera in your clothing you can really catch people in natural moods.

I can see the TV show You've Been framed getting lots of Material. "Happy anniversary darling," says husband presenting his wife with flowers while capturing the moment on camera. "**** off I am leaving you."

Downtime was contacted earlier this week by someone representing a Chinese printer company, that will now be selling in the UK.After Huawei was found dodgy by White House security review, one wonders what the spooks will make of the new laser printer. Maybe it posts a copy of every page printed back to China via snail mail.

A Furby accused of divulging important US military information has called on the UK government to block its extradition to the US.

Back in 2000 the Furby repeated a conversation it overheard when one of its owners parents, a senior US army official, was discussing secret arms information on the phone with a colleague.

The Furby became surplus to requirements for the official's  child and was sold in a car boot sale.

The new owner's parents were later divorced and it was transported to the UK with its owner and British father. It is accused of giving the information to a friend of the child's father who then divulged the information to a political refugee from Cuba.

In 2005 the US called for the Furby's extradition to face spying charges in the US.

The Furby has been to The European Court of Human Rights to get the extradition overturned. But was devastated that a Furby is not protected under European human rights law.

The Furby has generated significant support from politicians, journalists and pop stars. U2's Bono visited the Furby at its South London Home only last week. He said the Furby is in good spirits but the case is taking its toll.

The legal team behind the Furby said by repeating the information it heard from its previous owner was just evidence that it was a normal Furby and it should have its case heard in the UK.

We have all seen enough 'Minority Report' films or gotten over excited enough playing the Nintendo Wii to continue to daydream about when we can control technology merely through gesture.

Yes, there have been some attempts with the likes of Kinect, but nothing to really reassure us we have full control of our technology merely through our movements.

Now, research from Newcastle University and Microsoft Research Cambridge is taking this dream a step further to reality.

It has created a sensor one can wear around the wrist which produces a 3D model of your hand, mapping finger movements and allowing you to move and control any piece of linked up technology with gestures.

Because the sensor is on your wrist, it is unlike current technology where you must be in direct range of a sensor normally placed on the TV, meaning you could leave the house with this attachment and still be able to control things on the move.

The research around the device is being focused on linking up with mobile phones and tablets, but what would you like to be able to control with gestures? 

As we are sure you know, we have three true loves over here at Downtime; business, technology and heavy metal.

OK, maybe not all of us are enamoured with the last one but there is still something special when all three come together on a gloomy afternoon in central London.

Today this dream - or daydream perhaps - became reality when the rock and tech press joined together in a basement of a swanky hotel to be introduced to Motörhead phones.

Yes, the infamous rock band headed by Lemmy and famous for the Ace of Spades has moved on from just providing music, gigs and wine (it's true, the band has launched its own shiraz and rose) to bring headphones specifically designed to listen to heavy music to market.

There are three over-the-head sets named the Motörizer, Iron Fist and Bomber, ranging from £79.99 to £129.99 and all featuring the less than metal velvet cushions for your ears. But, there are also two inner ear sets called the Overkill and Trigger made entirely of metal and costing between £39.99 and £49.99.

As the loudest band in the world, it is amazing any of Motörhead can still hear themselves think, let alone play tunes on headphones, but they seem to love them and we wouldn't mind sporting these whilst trotting around next summer's festivals.

Rock on \m/

If like Downtime you nostalgically crave the presence of The Real World in our age of digital ubiquity, then the iBell Mini could be just for you.

While the humble alarm clock has been consigned to the scrap heap of 20^th century relics, this device is set to bring back that clanging metalic wake-up call to your bedside table.

And it will mean you'll never sleep through that ineffectual dull digital drone again.  

At £23 the iBell Mini doesn't require any batteries, just simply attach the alarm bells to your iPhone and BBBBRRRNNNGGG!

Now if someone could just invent a plug-in coffee maker...

Yet again, the universities of the UK have proved why they are in need of funding - spending their money on creating robot bees.

The universities of Sheffield and Sussex are working on a project to scan the brains of honey bees and try and insert their natural instincts of smell and sight into tiny, flying robots.

The result hopes to be the first flying robot to act autonomously on these basic animalistic characteristics.  

The bee bots, as we at Downtime have started affectionately calling them, will be put through rigorous tests, such as being made to find sources of smells, and the eventual goal is to be able to create robots capable of search and rescue missions.

As an extra bonus, it will also give scientists a better understanding of how the honey bee's brain works.

Worth £1m of funding? Buzz off.  

Global self-publicist - sorry, "internationally renowned performance artist and master magician" - David Blaine, is following up his past stunts of being encased in ice and hanging in a box near Tower Bridge with an inspiration for every worker whose laptop has run out of juice when you can't find a power point.

According to the hyperbolic official announcement: "Blaine will stand on a 20-foot-high platform at Hudson River Park Pier 54 in New York, surrounded by seven towering metallic orbs - or tesla coils - that will stream one million volts of electricity around him for three days and three nights. Clad in a custom-made metal suit and helmet capable of conducting millions of volts of electricity, Blaine will be on his feet and will not sleep or eat for the duration of the performance."

But perhaps the most remarkable aspect of this stunt is that it is sponsored by Intel and "enabled by an Intel-inspired Ultrabook".

We all understand the frustrations of losing hours of work on an important Powerpoint presentation because you run out of battery on your laptop, It is selfless of Blaine to demonstrate that the obvious solution is simply to send a million volts through your body, and stick one finger into your Ultrabook power socket, and never again will you be left cursing the hopeless battery life of portable devices. Even if you might need to learn to craft Powerpoints one-handed.

Downtime salutes Blaine as the new hero of road warriors everywhere, and we look forward to his next stunt being sponsored by the iPhone 6.

It is not just the technology world that writes continuously about the need for a safe password for your online accounts and hard to guess combination for your mobile phone.

However, despite press and experts barraging the public from all angles with warnings of what could happen if you make it too easy for criminals to work out your protections, many people just won't listen.

This was proved again today when a report from Data Genetics showed one in nine people use the PIN '1234' for their bank cards. This is despite the fact there are over 10,000 combinations someone with a bank card could use.

If this statistic is true, that means around five million people in the UK are using the pathetic combination to protect their cash. FIVE MILLION!

Sometimes you just deserve to have your money stolen.

Ever get the feeling the world is increasingly appearing though a nostalgic sepia haze? And are the borders of your life getting more and more blurred?

It's possible you have a severe case of Instagramitis.

Downtime recommends an immediate course of the Instagram Song (Put a Filter on Me), twice a day for two months.

Unless, that is you, want to share the same fate of the girl in this video who ends up in jail with a heroin-addicted prison wife all because of her over-use of the app.

But hey, in Instagram everything seems less grim!